Tuesday, February 9, 2010

I Don't Love Being a Mom

And that bothers me.  Don't get me wrong - I love my son more than words can possibly express.  Being a mom, however, is not turning out the way I envisioned it.  I don't know what, exactly, I envisioned.  Probably the "perfect mom" who bakes cookies, does crafts and colors with her child; who is always put together and full of highly creative daily activites.  You know - the Donna Reed type.  Not that I don't ever do these things but they certainly don't come easily.  At all.  Whenever I read an article, status update, tweet, etc. that says, "I love being a mom,"  it hurts.  Because I can't honestly say that.  I am convinced, though, that someday I will. 

I have a difficult child: a speech delayed, strong willed, quick tempered, impatient two year old (yeah, I know: what two year old isn't impatient?).  It's not his fault, of course, that I don't enjoy motherhood but his temperment tests my patience (of which I had little to begin with).  Add that to my dangerous habit of idealizing everything - imagining too perfect scenarios about motherhood, holidays, life - and it's a recipe for disaster.  Oh, and did I mention that I compare myself, as a mother, to everyone?  Not healthy.

Is it remnants of postpartum depression?   Probably.  I take comfort in realizing that things ARE better.  Every now and then I do have that "perfect" day where, for at least a while, I can say "I enjoy being a mom today."

I don't think this makes me a bad mother.  (Ok, some days I do think that but overall I know that's not true.)  I know that the most important thing is that I love my son unconditionally and I do everything I am capable of to make him happy.  No one ever said motherhood was easy.  In fact, I think we've all heard the phrase, "the toughest job you'll ever love."  Sometimes it takes a while to get into the groove of a new job.  I have a lifetime to figure it out.

And yet . . . .

I think I want to do this again.

Call me crazy.

4 comments:

Amber Koter-Puline said...

I feel like we are living the same life! I planned to blog about my weekend away in NY and how much everything I used to enjoy in life is now unfulfilling to me...almost as if I am a different person...? Anyway, with my two year old son, my well but not loving motherhood or life that much self, and all the other craziness I am considering #2 also. Am I crazy?

Isk8Jewel (~Julie~) said...

I think, in a sense, we are different people; the trick is to figure out who we are now and learn to embrace it. I have to believe something in me must know it's going to be ok or I wouldn't be considering #2. Maybe we love motherhood but just don't know it yet?

Julie said...

I know this is an old post..not sure if you will even see this comment, but here I am anyway! I found your blog from The Muser's weekly round up. I just have to say that I've wanted to write a post like this one for a long time. I just haven't had the nerve. I don't enjoy being a mom either most days. I find myself missing my life before baby more and more everyday. I, too, suffered from PPD/PPA and am hoping it's left over from that. I actually cried last night when I looked at pictures of me and my husband before our son. It brings me so much guilt when I look at my precious baby and I know he didn't ask to be born into this world. It's a really bad feeling, I hope it goes away one of these days.

~ Julie ~ said...

I can say it gets better. I have more and more days or, rather, moments in my days, where I can enjoy motherhood. I try to bring myself back to those as much as possible. I still miss "coupledom" especially since we don't have the opportunity for date nights... ever(don't worry, working on that).. but I would think that's common to some degree. Take it moment by moment and don't despair. For what it's worth, I see a therapist once a month and that helps. Don't forget to find some time for YOU, too.