Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Will you take me back?

Hi. Remember me? I'm the one that actually used to post on this blog.  I know I've been MIA for way too long.  I miss my blog and my blog followers... I really do.  I've just had a really hard time getting myself to actually write.  I think part of it is that blogging was sort of my down time/therapy time while my son napped; once naps stopped, so did my blogging.  I also think I've been going through so much that I just haven't known where to start as far as getting back and writing a post.  I put pressure on myself for perfection sometimes. OK... most of the time. So I sometimes let that intimidate me.  You can see here, however, that this post is anything but perfect.   I'm sure my grammar and punctuation are off (and I'm an English major of all things) and this post is hardly going to sound "professional" or well thought out.  (As a matter of fact, it's not "thought out" at all; it's pure stream of consciousness.)

Baby number two is due in about three weeks and of course that is a BIG stress.  Though this has been a tough pregnancy it hasn't held any of the perinatal depression signs that my first pregnancy did.  I'm generally happy, enjoy feeling kicks (last time I actually had pangs of depression when I felt movement; BIG clue, dontcha think??) and think the nervousness I'm experiencing is normal (whatever normal is; I really try not to use that word).  Sometimes I worry about whether PPD will rear its ugly head again.   I try and thwart those thoughts knowing I have a plan and support group already in place.  I try not to over-think (though I'm not always successful).  Mainly my concerns gravitate from being the mom of two to how my three year old will handle things while I'm at the hospital (and a few other things in between).  Speaking of my three year old...

I've mentioned before that he has a sensory processing disorder (SPD).  He receives speech therapy, OT, and behavioral therapy (SEIT services) to help him along.  Last year we saw an immense improvement.  This year, I wonder if he's overwhelmed; and that overwhelms me.  Recently he's begun acting out and has become very aggressive towards me.  We're hoping it's the anxiety over the new baby (and his taking advantage of the fact that, being very pregnant, I can't handle him physically) but I have fears.... and anxieties...  and worries of my child's future.  And then I wonder: could this trigger another depression?  But I'm trying not to over-think that, right?

So, while I have a plethora of things I could write about, maybe should write about, I just can't seem to find the words (or the bravery to sit down at the computer and face my anxieties) or the time to get these posts out of my head and onto the web.  My therapist thinks I should write a book. I find this amusing given the fact that I can't even find time to write my blog. LOL.  Well... maybe someday.

So, if you're still around and following my feed, thanks for standing by.  I think I'm going to need this blog again so I hope I can find a way to make the words flow again.  In a few short weeks, I'll have an inkling of whether or not I could be battling PPD again.  I sure hope not.  I hope I can return with words of encouragement that it didn't happen a second time.  But you know what? I survived it once and, if I must, I will survive it again.  At least this time I'll be armed with a plethora resources at my fingertips.