Sometimes when I'm holding our new little guy I can't help but think back to four years ago. I try very hard to remember what munchkin #1 was like at this age. Sadly, I don't remember a lot of details of his first three months. I remember the fussiness. I remember my desperation and feeling overwhelmed all the time. I have snippets of smiles and baby coos but mostly I just remember a grey cloud. Fortunately, I did manage to write down all his milestones (and even just every day stuff,) so I have that to look back on, but that process was robotic and those memories aren't ingrained in my memory. Which makes me sad.
I'm enjoying my newborn so much this time around and while that makes me very happy, relieved even, it also makes me a little sad. Sad that I didn't have this the first time around. I feel like I was robbed of so many wonderful experiences. Sometimes I worry about how this has affected my four year old. He has a sensory processing disorder. That is what it is in and of itself. But I often wonder how much of a role my PPD played in his early development because I know it affected my parenting. I know it's not something I should brew over; the past is the past and the important thing is that I worked very hard to get better. It's just.... sometimes.... I wonder.